Relationships and Mental Health

This was not a topic I was going to breach so early. Mental health is a complicated subject that requires different tactics for each person. But this is something that needs to be established in the content of a relationship.

I currently don't know the source of this photo, if you know where it originated let me know.

This image appeared on my Facebook news feed, by my partner, no less. I'm sure he thought the sentiment was sweet and romantic, but instead I found myself overwhelmingly upset. Why? This concept is so harmful in relationships. 

There is this notion, often perpetuated in movies and TV shows, that mental illnesses like depression and anxiety can be overcome by true love. 

Wrong. No. Stop. 

Mental illness can only be treated by a professional. I want that to be clear right now. You can not expect someone to walk into your life, see that you're damaged and broken and fix you up. This is some fucked up shit. This is unfair to you and your partners. There is a reason therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors exist. Trust me, it's not a pseudo-science, there's a reason they go through years of training to do what they do. 

By expecting your partner to be able to "cure" your mental illness, you are putting a heavy burden on their shoulders. You are expecting them to understand a condition that is very specific to you. You'll expect them to know what to say, what will help, and make it all go away forever. That's not how it works. 

It is very fair to expect your partner to support you. But they can not make your mental illness go away. It will still be there when you find the proverbial "One". Relationships do not change your mental illness. Mental illness affects your relationship. You are still going to have bad days, and your partner will not be able to change that. There might be days where you'll be too anxious to even reach out to them. If your mental illness is debilitating before you meet this person, it will be after too. If your partner hasn't felt what you're feeling, they won't know what to do. If they have, then they have to help themselves first before they help you. It won't be beautiful, it won't be easy. It's going to be tough, it'll probably be one of the biggest obstacles your relationship will go through. All your partner can really do is ask what you need, offer support, and give your space when you need it. They won't know how to stop the feelings from coming, where they come from, and if you need medication, they can't prescribe it. They can't do much more for you than to listen, and offer small comforts.

What if when you meet your partner and it doesn't go away? All the anxiety, the emptiness. It's still there. That doesn't mean that the relationship isn't working out. It means you need to get help, out of love and respect for yourself. 

And what if it isn't working out? You have expected them to be strong for you, and to make it all go away. You've basically told them that they're the only thing keeping you going. That is manipulative. You have effectively trapped your partner into a relationship with you, using your mental health as a shackle. If they leave, they will have to take on the responsibility of anything you do that happens after. If they stay, they will most likely feel miserable, because they aren't there to love you, they're there out of fear. 

You don't want this. I know you don't. You need to understand that your mental health is not dependent on other people in your lives. They can't make it better. You can though. You have to do it for yourself, not for anybody else. It won't work. When times get tough, it'll be easy to blame your partner for not doing enough for you, but it is your health. There will always be bad days. But your good days are not for your partner, they're for you. Your health is for you. 

How to Have Better Sex

Every sex blog has to have this post. It's what you're looking for when you search up sex blogs. It's what we're trying to figure out every time we get in bed with someone. How do we have better sex? Well, I'm not going to give you the same step-by-step guide that you'll find elsewhere. Mine is just a simple 3 step system:

Step 1: Know Your Body
Before you can expect someone to come in and know exactly which buttons to press, you have to be able to identify them yourself. This is a fun step, it's the step where you take out a couple hours of your day to just find out what feels good. Do you like your nipples being played with, or do they just hurt? Could some light scratching make it feel good? What if you massaged here or there, or everywhere?

When you figure out something you like, make note of it. Either tell your partner, or lightly guide them there when you're having sex. If something feels wrong, or bad, also make note of it. It's a good idea to know what really turns you off, and let your partner know before they start doing it. If you hate having your nipples played with, and they start to reach for them, just tell them where you rather be touched. Bam! You won't be turned off in the middle of foreplay.

This can also be a not so fun step. A big part of knowing your body however, is also to know your mind. If sex is something you dread, there's a chance that no matter where you touch or squeeze it won't change how you feel about sex. You have to be mentally aroused before you can get physically aroused. If there's trauma that's holding you back, there's no shame in talking to someone professional about it. I will put links up to a couple places you can start in my references page.

Step 2: Have a Respectful Partner
Whether you're having vanilla sex or kinky play, your partner has to respect you. That includes, but is not limited to, respecting your limits and boundaries, giving you as much foreplay as you need, accepting a no if you change your mind, and learning what turns you on.

If you have a shitty partner, you'll have shitty sex. If your partner is trying to push your limits, it's not going to be enjoyable. How are you supposed to enjoy sex, if you're worried that they're going to do something you don't want them to? If the only pleasure they're after is themselves, that is someone you need to remove from your life, not just your bed. That's just gross.

Step 3: Have More Sex
The old adage is true: practice makes perfect. Whether with one partner, or with many, you're just going to get better with time. If you have one partner, you will know their body and they'll know yours, and there are a million ways to experiment to find out things you never knew would feel good. If you have multiple partners, you can learn to adapt to different bodies, or how to take control to get the sex you want.

Try different kinds of sex; find your kinks and fetishes. Find partners who share those kinks. Sometimes you'll have partners for different kinds of sex and that's okay, as long as they know that. Try using the variety of safer sex supplies. For penetrative sex there's so many different kinds of condoms that can feel good for both parties. There's all kinds of lubes and toys, to try. Just go wild if you need to.

In general, you'll probably figure out how to move your body and what positions work best for you. As long as you have the other two steps covered, this will be the most fun step (although step 1 can be just as fun). Just have fun with it and every time you have sex will feel like the best you've ever had.

How To Make the World a Better Place

I have this theory, that I admit is a little far-fetched and not perfect. I feel that sex would make the world a better place. I mean, everyone would be happier!

I understand we already have sex in the world, and that in a world with so much sexualized media, how can we add more?

It's not the amount of sex, it's how it's associated and taught. I strongly believe that a huge part of the problem is the way we stigmatize and categorize sex. Sex is biologically designed to make us happy, yet why does it cause so much frustration and anger?

The root of the problem, as far back as I can trace it, is stigma. For most of us, we were brought up with the idea that sex was bad, we shouldn't talk about it and if you do it, you're dirty and shameful. Sex became a taboo. We weren't supposed to ask questions about how to make it better, and we were made to feel guilty even just masturbating.

The argument for providing little information about sexuality is aimed for adolescents and young children in an attempt to keep them from exploring their sexuality and suffering consequences such as pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Somehow this tactic doesn't appear to work, however. It still happens and now we have an MTV series dedicated to underage mothers.

Instead of forbidding sex to be discussed, I feel parents, guardians and teachers ought to answer questions about it honestly, with an appropriate amount of detail for their age. Information about the different forms of contraception, consent and sex can actually help teens from making informed decisions about when they are ready to have sex, instead of doing it for the wrong reasons, and also being safe and healthy. Shame can be removed from the equation, and they can be taught not to view sex as a determinant of status or power.

Wouldn't it be better if youth were taught the best sex was safe, respectful sex?

So much time and effort is put into with whom we should be having sex, how much or how little sex we're having, how many partners we have, and our relationship statuses. If we just had as much (or as little) sex as we wanted, with whomever made us happy, guilt-free, wouldn't our lives be even just the slightest bit better? All of this time we spend debating and making laws about sex, we could spend on much more serious problems.

Huh? What? Already?! -- Female Premature Orgasms

Sexual dysfunction. What comes to mind? Usually erectile dysfunction or maybe premature ejaculation. Female sexual dysfunction tends to go unquestioned. At most it seems to be believed that the inability to reach orgasm is the only sexual dysfunction women might have to deal with.

However, that isn't the case.

I soon learned this after nearly a month of a lagging libido. On a night out of town, I dragged myself out of my sexually-deprived shell and began foreplay. As my partner reached below my waist it was almost seconds before my body shook with a pleasure so intense it was almost painful. I pulled back, finished but honestly dissatisfied, not really feeling like continuing. It was until a similar experience happened while alone with a certain A. N. Roquelaure novel, only two pages in that I began to wonder what was wrong.

I began my search on Google with search phrases such as "quick sudden orgasm", "female sudden orgasm", and finally "premature female orgasm". The results were not helpful. At the very most was a post on how scientists have done a study that there is evidence that women suffer premature orgasms as well, and that they are beginning to look into causes. At the very least were forum postings from women suffering such things. The responses were appallingly similar. Most find that it's not a problem; it's been compared to men complaining about having large penises and anybody complaining about being "too pretty." That was if I could sift past the posts on premature ejaculation and "How to Get Her to Orgasm Faster!"

I can assure you, it isn't a treat to have a sudden orgasm, only moments into the act. When you try to continue, you're too sensitive to keep going, disappointing you and your partner. It's not really much of a climax if there's no real build up.

It can cause a real strain on your relationship. Orgasms can be a great stress relief, but it's all the work that goes into it that really pays off. Without that, stress and tension can build up in the relationship. There can feel like there's an imbalance in the bedroom, one party getting more pleasure than the other. Not to mention, sometimes you need that alone time with yourself to really feel comfortable in your own body. You can't be happy if you can't even satisfy yourself. 

Even with the internet, there's not a lot of resources for women to solve this problem. Men have pills and advice columns and specialists dedicated to help them from prematurely ejaculating, but it's hard to get help as a female without being scoffed at.

The female body has long been neglected in science's eyes. Our anatomy and our orgasms have been haphazardly labelled and only recently has our sexuality been taken seriously. I mean, there is still debate on whether or not we have a G-Spot.

It is time that the female body stops being seen as a mysterious entity, unexplainable and incomprehensibly complex, and have credence given to our issues.

Let's Talk About Sex...

Disclaimer: I am a cisfemale with mostly heterosexual experiences in my sex life. Although I try to be gender neutral, and as inclusive as possible, I will have my slip ups. If you see something that can be alienating or offensive, I encourage you to let me know so I can learn as I go along. 

You know what people don't talk enough about? Sex. Sex is great. There is nothing more I love to talk about than sex. I love doing it. I love reading about it. I love helping other people enjoy it. So here I go:

Let's talk about sex and how you can make it better for you and your partner(s). And by "let's" I mean, "let me" because I'm going to do all the talking. Also, please note, I do not have any credentials to be talking about this other than an extremely awkward search history and my own experiences. 

Pornos are not educational videos. If you saw it in a porno, you may want to ask first before trying it in bed. Porn is supposed to be more visually appealing, and in current times they tend to be more geared towards men. The question tends to be: "Would a man enjoy that?" instead of "Is that enjoyable for all parties?" If you want to watch porn to learn a few tricks, I suggest feminist porn! Now don't get me wrong, porn can be great. You can even watch it with your partner and it can give you ideas. My point here is, just because you watch porn, does not mean you will be a sexpert. 

Explore your body. If sex with your partner isn't the best right now, go on a little self-exploratory adventure. Your body is not a war zone, do not fear what may happen if you decide to take a visit. Chances are, your body is more like a tropical island, hopefully without all the huge ass spiders. Find what feels good for you, and then tell your partner. Plus, there is never a problem with a little self-love every now and then. Or everyday. Even if you don't have a partner or you are enjoying sex with your partner, enjoy your body. Take your time to find out where on your body feels good besides the obvious parts. 

Everybody has holes. This tip is mostly for heterosexual men who can't get their girlfriend to do anal. Hey, buddy. You have a butt too. And if you want your girlfriend to let you into hers, you sure as hell have to understand what you're asking. So if you want to put something in her butt, you better be able to let her put something in yours (with lube!). Do not fear your rectum! Anal can be very enjoyable if done properly and both parties are willing! This goes for anyone with a butt! This means that no one is being pressured, and you have lube at hand. 

It's okay if you like feet. Or any other "weird" fetish. To be honest, a foot fetish is pretty common. Why do you think fancy shoes exist? Some people just like feet. And that's not the only fetish that's pretty vanilla nowadays. Light restraints, spanking, role-playing. If your partner approaches you with one of these ideas, do not freak out wondering what you got yourself into. There are not a lot of people who wouldn't be up for at least one of these things. Try it! It's fun. 

And on that note, research. If you want to get into a little more of the more risque practices, I suggest reading up on it. Especially in the BDSM department. Fifty Shades of Grey does not count. Protip: Look up after care. This is an important part of the BDSM dynamic. This is the part no one talks about, and needs to. 

Finally, COMMUNICATE. I can not say this enough. Communication is the only way your sex will be mind-blowing. Everyone is different and has their own needs and boundaries, and your partner can't respect those if you don't tell them. If you want to try something, bring it up to them and talk about it in a nonsexual environment. If there's something you don't like, bring it up! Don't be afraid to hurt their feelings. If they're a good partner, they'll just want to make you feel good. If that's not their concern, then they are not considering your feelings. You should always be able to communicate with your partner, about your own needs and boundaries as well as theirs. Your pleasure is just as important as theirs. 

So these are just a few general tips that I think are important. I'll go a bit deeper into a few of them in later posts, but for now I think this covers all the general bases. 

Remember kids, there's no shame in pleasure, and consent is sexy!