Relationships and Mental Health

This was not a topic I was going to breach so early. Mental health is a complicated subject that requires different tactics for each person. But this is something that needs to be established in the content of a relationship.

I currently don't know the source of this photo, if you know where it originated let me know.

This image appeared on my Facebook news feed, by my partner, no less. I'm sure he thought the sentiment was sweet and romantic, but instead I found myself overwhelmingly upset. Why? This concept is so harmful in relationships. 

There is this notion, often perpetuated in movies and TV shows, that mental illnesses like depression and anxiety can be overcome by true love. 

Wrong. No. Stop. 

Mental illness can only be treated by a professional. I want that to be clear right now. You can not expect someone to walk into your life, see that you're damaged and broken and fix you up. This is some fucked up shit. This is unfair to you and your partners. There is a reason therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors exist. Trust me, it's not a pseudo-science, there's a reason they go through years of training to do what they do. 

By expecting your partner to be able to "cure" your mental illness, you are putting a heavy burden on their shoulders. You are expecting them to understand a condition that is very specific to you. You'll expect them to know what to say, what will help, and make it all go away forever. That's not how it works. 

It is very fair to expect your partner to support you. But they can not make your mental illness go away. It will still be there when you find the proverbial "One". Relationships do not change your mental illness. Mental illness affects your relationship. You are still going to have bad days, and your partner will not be able to change that. There might be days where you'll be too anxious to even reach out to them. If your mental illness is debilitating before you meet this person, it will be after too. If your partner hasn't felt what you're feeling, they won't know what to do. If they have, then they have to help themselves first before they help you. It won't be beautiful, it won't be easy. It's going to be tough, it'll probably be one of the biggest obstacles your relationship will go through. All your partner can really do is ask what you need, offer support, and give your space when you need it. They won't know how to stop the feelings from coming, where they come from, and if you need medication, they can't prescribe it. They can't do much more for you than to listen, and offer small comforts.

What if when you meet your partner and it doesn't go away? All the anxiety, the emptiness. It's still there. That doesn't mean that the relationship isn't working out. It means you need to get help, out of love and respect for yourself. 

And what if it isn't working out? You have expected them to be strong for you, and to make it all go away. You've basically told them that they're the only thing keeping you going. That is manipulative. You have effectively trapped your partner into a relationship with you, using your mental health as a shackle. If they leave, they will have to take on the responsibility of anything you do that happens after. If they stay, they will most likely feel miserable, because they aren't there to love you, they're there out of fear. 

You don't want this. I know you don't. You need to understand that your mental health is not dependent on other people in your lives. They can't make it better. You can though. You have to do it for yourself, not for anybody else. It won't work. When times get tough, it'll be easy to blame your partner for not doing enough for you, but it is your health. There will always be bad days. But your good days are not for your partner, they're for you. Your health is for you. 

How to Have Better Sex

Every sex blog has to have this post. It's what you're looking for when you search up sex blogs. It's what we're trying to figure out every time we get in bed with someone. How do we have better sex? Well, I'm not going to give you the same step-by-step guide that you'll find elsewhere. Mine is just a simple 3 step system:

Step 1: Know Your Body
Before you can expect someone to come in and know exactly which buttons to press, you have to be able to identify them yourself. This is a fun step, it's the step where you take out a couple hours of your day to just find out what feels good. Do you like your nipples being played with, or do they just hurt? Could some light scratching make it feel good? What if you massaged here or there, or everywhere?

When you figure out something you like, make note of it. Either tell your partner, or lightly guide them there when you're having sex. If something feels wrong, or bad, also make note of it. It's a good idea to know what really turns you off, and let your partner know before they start doing it. If you hate having your nipples played with, and they start to reach for them, just tell them where you rather be touched. Bam! You won't be turned off in the middle of foreplay.

This can also be a not so fun step. A big part of knowing your body however, is also to know your mind. If sex is something you dread, there's a chance that no matter where you touch or squeeze it won't change how you feel about sex. You have to be mentally aroused before you can get physically aroused. If there's trauma that's holding you back, there's no shame in talking to someone professional about it. I will put links up to a couple places you can start in my references page.

Step 2: Have a Respectful Partner
Whether you're having vanilla sex or kinky play, your partner has to respect you. That includes, but is not limited to, respecting your limits and boundaries, giving you as much foreplay as you need, accepting a no if you change your mind, and learning what turns you on.

If you have a shitty partner, you'll have shitty sex. If your partner is trying to push your limits, it's not going to be enjoyable. How are you supposed to enjoy sex, if you're worried that they're going to do something you don't want them to? If the only pleasure they're after is themselves, that is someone you need to remove from your life, not just your bed. That's just gross.

Step 3: Have More Sex
The old adage is true: practice makes perfect. Whether with one partner, or with many, you're just going to get better with time. If you have one partner, you will know their body and they'll know yours, and there are a million ways to experiment to find out things you never knew would feel good. If you have multiple partners, you can learn to adapt to different bodies, or how to take control to get the sex you want.

Try different kinds of sex; find your kinks and fetishes. Find partners who share those kinks. Sometimes you'll have partners for different kinds of sex and that's okay, as long as they know that. Try using the variety of safer sex supplies. For penetrative sex there's so many different kinds of condoms that can feel good for both parties. There's all kinds of lubes and toys, to try. Just go wild if you need to.

In general, you'll probably figure out how to move your body and what positions work best for you. As long as you have the other two steps covered, this will be the most fun step (although step 1 can be just as fun). Just have fun with it and every time you have sex will feel like the best you've ever had.