Relationships and Mental Health

This was not a topic I was going to breach so early. Mental health is a complicated subject that requires different tactics for each person. But this is something that needs to be established in the content of a relationship.

I currently don't know the source of this photo, if you know where it originated let me know.

This image appeared on my Facebook news feed, by my partner, no less. I'm sure he thought the sentiment was sweet and romantic, but instead I found myself overwhelmingly upset. Why? This concept is so harmful in relationships. 

There is this notion, often perpetuated in movies and TV shows, that mental illnesses like depression and anxiety can be overcome by true love. 

Wrong. No. Stop. 

Mental illness can only be treated by a professional. I want that to be clear right now. You can not expect someone to walk into your life, see that you're damaged and broken and fix you up. This is some fucked up shit. This is unfair to you and your partners. There is a reason therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors exist. Trust me, it's not a pseudo-science, there's a reason they go through years of training to do what they do. 

By expecting your partner to be able to "cure" your mental illness, you are putting a heavy burden on their shoulders. You are expecting them to understand a condition that is very specific to you. You'll expect them to know what to say, what will help, and make it all go away forever. That's not how it works. 

It is very fair to expect your partner to support you. But they can not make your mental illness go away. It will still be there when you find the proverbial "One". Relationships do not change your mental illness. Mental illness affects your relationship. You are still going to have bad days, and your partner will not be able to change that. There might be days where you'll be too anxious to even reach out to them. If your mental illness is debilitating before you meet this person, it will be after too. If your partner hasn't felt what you're feeling, they won't know what to do. If they have, then they have to help themselves first before they help you. It won't be beautiful, it won't be easy. It's going to be tough, it'll probably be one of the biggest obstacles your relationship will go through. All your partner can really do is ask what you need, offer support, and give your space when you need it. They won't know how to stop the feelings from coming, where they come from, and if you need medication, they can't prescribe it. They can't do much more for you than to listen, and offer small comforts.

What if when you meet your partner and it doesn't go away? All the anxiety, the emptiness. It's still there. That doesn't mean that the relationship isn't working out. It means you need to get help, out of love and respect for yourself. 

And what if it isn't working out? You have expected them to be strong for you, and to make it all go away. You've basically told them that they're the only thing keeping you going. That is manipulative. You have effectively trapped your partner into a relationship with you, using your mental health as a shackle. If they leave, they will have to take on the responsibility of anything you do that happens after. If they stay, they will most likely feel miserable, because they aren't there to love you, they're there out of fear. 

You don't want this. I know you don't. You need to understand that your mental health is not dependent on other people in your lives. They can't make it better. You can though. You have to do it for yourself, not for anybody else. It won't work. When times get tough, it'll be easy to blame your partner for not doing enough for you, but it is your health. There will always be bad days. But your good days are not for your partner, they're for you. Your health is for you.